Argh!
- Danny? - We need to talk.
This is not the only world. There are millions of them.
And in every single one, there are other versions.
He's been hunting us ever since.
That means, in every single one, he's trying to kill us.
... kill us... kill us.
I'm sorry, Danny. You're gonna have to back that up.
- I zoned out for a second. - What?
- How far? - Oh...
The beginning. I took some killer mushrooms earlier.
- There's no time. Come with me! - Honestly,
you are competing with a lot of other stuff now which may or may not be there, like...
the guy behind you with a sword - who I really hope isn't real.
Whoa!
Raargh!
Run, Milo!
Argh!
Yargh!
OK. OK.
Cupboard. No, hide under the bed.
Oh!
This isn't real. This is just a bad trip, is all this is.
- OK. That does actually feel very real. - Milo, shut up.
You know my name. Have we met? Sorry. I'm rubbish with names. Ha...
Do you know how many versions of you I've killed?
Enough to get bored of it?
But it always ends like this.
Confused.
Helpless.
I've heard your last words so many times. Do you know how boring that is?
It's very boring.
So, go on... surprise me.
Ripped By mstoll
Hey, buddy. Here is your engagement present.
- These will blow your nuts off. - Milo, this is Kate's grandfather.
Oh. Mushroom?
- They'll blow your nuts off. Yeah? - He's joking.
- I'm not. - Milo.
- You're here. - Yes.
Offering magic mushrooms to my granddad.
You're never too old to have your nuts blown off.
Mum was looking for you. OK?
- See you later. See you in a bit. - Later.
- We started to think you couldn't make it. - Sorry to disappoint you.
When are the speeches?
Your mum and I have reservations at this new Korean place.
I don't know, Dad. I didn't make a timetable.
You're just gonna have to stick around and pretend to enjoy yourself.
Hi, Mr Gates.
Well, well. Look who bothered to turn up.
OK. I hate to tear myself away from all the simmering resentment.
- Well, well... - Could we at least try not to let this be weird?
Hi. Hi, everyone.
I just wanted to thank everyone for coming.
And thank you, Danny, for asking me to be your wife.
- Aw! - It's all right.
I know it makes you sick.
Oh, and thank you to Paul, Danny's best man,
for being such a help in organising tonight.
We really couldn't have hoped for a better best man so...
everyone have a drink and I hope you have a good night.
Excuse me a moment.
All right, sausage?
- Oh, here we go. - Stairway To Heaven.
It's got to be.
- Is he all right? - He's disappeared.
He's all right.
That is gonna stop being funny one day when someone actually breaks their neck.
Someone really ought to fix that step.
So... erm... the best man thing.
I... er...
I was gonna speak to you about it.
Fine.
I'm sorry, Milo. It's...
Paul has really made an effort with Kate, and you... you really haven't.
We're still mates, Milo, but right now, we're just at very different places in our lives.
Sooner or later, I had to start taking things seriously.
I can't be Dangerous Dan for ever, you know.
Even though you literally had "Dangerous Dan for ever"
- tattooed on your arse cheek in Faliraki. - I'm getting my big boy on. I'm...
I'm wearing cufflinks. I'm getting married.
- I even got promoted the other day. - Promoted?
You work in cat insurance. What can you even get promoted to?
Lion insurance? Lion...
It is pet insurance and I am actually covering all of the large mammals in the South West.
- Oh, well done, you. - It's a big deal for me.
Mate, come on. Don't go. Just like...
Have a couple more drinks or something.
- Why are we hugging? - Cos this is it. This is goodbye.
I'm never gonna see you again with your new cat insurance job
and your new wife and your...
- You will. - Stop. I won't.
- You're drunk. - I know. I'll see you around, Danny.
You have a... good life.
Ooh.
Milo. Paul, remember?
Oh, yeah. Paul.
Yeah. Word of warning. I am tout seul tonight.
The missus is feeling a bit rough so... er...
I am "on the beers" so to speak.
Evening, Gran.
Argh!
Danny?
Rargh!
OK.
- Ha. - I've heard your last words so many times.
Do you know how boring that is?
It's very boring.
So go on...
surprise me.
Oh, well, that is a lot of pressure. I mean...
This isn't the end. There will be others... and others...
...and you will die.
You first.
Ha!
Argh!
Good timing. Good timing. I thought you were dead.
- It's not as bad as it looks. - Yeah. Good. Good.
Cos it looks like you've got a massive hole in your chest.
Shit. No. No.
No, no. Remember what I told you. OK?
You and Danny are special. You need to come find me.
- Find you? How? - Look for Goldenmire. Use the wristband.
Just remember what I told you and you'll be fine.
Milo, tell me you remember. Tell me you remem...
Maybe I should have got a pen. Um...
Dickhead.
- Morning, dickhead. - Mmm. Morning, arse flaps.
Oh, my little twat face.
Mmm. My one true shit-for-brains.
- Mm. - Mwah.
You need to get up and get changed because we are going to the florist.
Today? I feel rough. Can't we go another day?
You already cancelled three times.
- Are you trying to tell me something? - Of course not.
It's just...
You... You've got something in your hair. It's just...
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Now you are mine. Prepare to be ravished.
- Get changed, you twat. - Never!
Not until you have done stuff with me.
Oh!
- Hello. - Danny, I am in trouble.
I need you to come over. Right now.
- Milo, are you still high? - I really hope so, Dan.
Just, please, come over. If it's the last thing you ever do for me.
OK.
- What is it this time? - I think he's just having a bad trip.
I know. I know.
- He hasn't got anyone else. - Yeah, and I feel sorry for him.
I really do but...
He probably just wants you to hang out with him.
Anything to get you away from the "evil woman" who stole his best friend.
He sounded genuinely freaked out.
- I will cancel the florist, then. - I'm sorry.
Pete.
That helmet come with a handbag, Miss?
Kate's.
You wearing her knickers too, are you?
I'm wearing man's pants, Pete. FYI.
Man's pants.
Well?
Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny...
- You OK? - Mm.
And then he disappeared.
But before that... that.
- Shit! He's really dead. - Mm-hm.
Milo, what have you done?
Me. No, no, no, no, no. This was you.
This was the Other You.
Wristband. The wristband.
The Other You had one of these. It got damaged and he disappeared.
- Sorry, I can't do this. This is crazy school. - Danny, wait!
- Shit! What did you just do? - I didn't do anything.
- This is too much, Milo. You've gone too far. - Danny, wait!
Dan, come on. Dan!
- You've got to help me here! - Who was that guy? And what happened?
Do you know what? It doesn't matter. I don't want to know. This is your mess, Milo.
Oh, yeah, leave me in the shit - like you always do.
Do you know what? I will. Because this is your shit!
Just like it always is.
Fuck!
Oh, no.
Oh, what the actual fuck?
Kate?
Oh, God. Yeah. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Kate? What are you doing?
What are you doing?
All right, Milo?
Gran.
What did I say? What did I tell you?
Come here!
Milo. Milo! Open up. Milo!
- Danny... - Milo! Milo! Milo! Milo! Milo!
- Milo! Milo! - Danny. Funny story.
Milo, you did something. You did this. Cos I went home.
And Kate, she was in bed with Pete. And they were naked and they...
Where are we?
Yeah.
Yeah. It must be like a... parallel world.
Yeah? Like you said.
The Other You.
- How? How did we? - The wristband.
When I pressed the button and it felt like we got electrocuted.
- Must have been that. - Did you drop LSD in my drink?
Oh, my God, Danny. I did that one time. Will you shut up about it?
Who the hell was that?
Check this out.
Ta-da!
My word. Is that little Danny Gates?
It's been a while.
How are you?
Fine. Thank you... Milo's gran.
How are you?
You're looking well... considering.
Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
She is great and baking a cake.
But that'll be shit like it always is.
Milo.
Well, shouldn't you be at choir practice at the church?
- Got cancelled. Yeah. - Oh. OK.
- Mate, quick word, yeah? - Yes.
Hey, stick it. There we go.
OK. OK. Just so we're clear.
That's your gran?
- Yep. - The one that died seven years ago.
Hm. I know. It's amazing.
I don't know how or why, Danny, but that is her.
How is this possible? One minute we're at your place
and then you press some bloody wristband and...
- The wristband. - Whoa. No, Danny. Danny! Danny.
My dead gran just came back to life! Can you please just...
What are you doing?
- Get off! Get off me! - Argh!
Come on.
- That was our way back! - Argh!
No, signal. I guess they don't have a plan that includes multiple realities, do they? Hm?
No! You don't get a biscuit until we get home.
How we do that without the wristband, I have no idea.
- You believe me? - Your dead granny just tried to give me
a fucking digestive! Of course I believe you.
So... So we are stuck in a parallel world
where things have worked out... differently.
Hey!
Did the Other Me say why someone is trying to kill us?
Not us specifically. Us generally. Every us in every parallel world.
- Oh, well, that's reassuring. - Hm. Oh.
And the killer, before he died, he said there will be others.
- Those were his last words? - Yep.
- Pretty fucking cool last words. Me? - I'd be just like... No, don't.
- No! Please! - Some part of you is enjoying this.
More tea?
Gran, do you remember... seven years ago when you were supposed to go on that cruise?
Oh, gawd. Do I remember?
Missing that cruise was the best thing that ever happened to me.
If my alarm had gone off like it was meant to,
I wouldn't be here today.
And then who'd look after my little Mr Cuddles?
Oh, Gran!
Mr Cuddles? Wow.
So, how are you, Danny?
I saw your mum a few months ago. She said you were at Larkham's Insurance.
Yeah. I am.
Yes, I am. Of course I am.
Because if this is a parallel world, then there is another me.
Another us. Yes! Yes! That's our way out of here.
I'd better go after him.
You can take my car if you want.
Thank you.
- It's really good to see you again, Gran. - I see you every day, love.
Other Me said people were trying to kill us and there will be others.
What if someone comes for the versions of us in this reality?
- They might have those wristband things. - And big swords.
Whoever turns up trying to kill Danny and Milo in this reality,
- we grab their wristbands, we go home. - Off the guys with the big swords?
This time we're prepared cos we know they're coming.
You did hear the bit about the guy with the big sword, right?
Here I am. Still alive.
- This is so weird. - Yeah.
Is it just me or does Other You look like a bit of a twat?
Do you know what? Insurance is high-stakes stuff. He's under a lot of pressure.
- Cat insurance. - Pet insurance.
Oh, fucking Paul!
What is that?
So what is the plan here?
We tell the Other Me what's going on, what's about to happen,
then the three of us find the Other You.
Then, if someone turns up trying to kill us, bam.
- Bam? What does that mean? - You know.
Bam! Take him out kind of thing.
- Using our years of close combat training. - At least I'm trying to do something.
Since it's your fault we're here, how about you lose the attitude
- and help instead of being a useless bastard? - Useless? Ooh, I'm sorry I'm not like Paul.
Really? The best man thing. You want to get into that now, do you?
- Paul wouldn't strand you in a parallel universe. - Paul is my best man because he likes Kate.
Five minutes talking to him and I want to hang myself!
This conversation makes me want to hang myself!
I mean, are you actually saying to me that you'd like to get up and do a speech
about how happy you are for me and Kate?
- That is not the point. - Yes, Milo, it actually is because...
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Oh, God.
Oh... Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Hey. Hey... me.
Am I having an out-of-body experience?
- Am I dead? - Oh, no, this is...
...really fucking weird.
I'm you but from an alternate reality.
Are you here to take me to the afterlife?
Is that what's happening?
Yeah, why not?
Tell Kate I love her.
Oh, my God, I'm... I'm dead.
Why would someone want to kill every version of us?
What is so special about us?
- Take his legs. - Excuse me?
Take his legs. We need to put him in the boot.
If someone finds his body and sees you being all alive and shit,
people are gonna start asking questions. Take the legs.
- Why are you so calm? - If this is a trip, this is the worst one ever.
This is not the time for jokes, Milo.
I was so young.
It's all right. We'll sort something out.
There are worse places to be stuck.
I mean, Iraq. That's supposed to be pretty shit.
I'm sure it has its nice parts but... overall, not great.
Shut up, Milo. Please, please, just shut up!
- What is up with you? - What's up with you?
You're talking like you want to stay here. This is real, Milo.
We might never get home. I need to see Kate.
But why?
Other Me's last wishes was to tell Kate that he loved her.
- I should honour that. - That's crazy talking.
- You freaked out cos you saw yourself die. - I'm going. I owe it to myself.
If I end up getting stabbed here, I'd like to think that another version of me
would do me the respect of telling my version of Kate
that I, this version of Danny, loved her.
- Completely lost me, mate. What you saying? - Thanks for ruining my life.
What about the plan? What about saving the Other Me?
Fine. Yeah. Go for the hat-trick, mate.
Three Dannys dying in one day. Go for it.
See if I care.
I'll go and save myself, then.
Thank you, everyone. I will see you next Tuesday.
Ssh!
Stop it. Just calm down. Stop it.
Ssh! Just calm down. It's nothing. It's nothing to worry about.
Are you biting? You're biting. Stop that! Stop it!
Stop it. Stop it.
Just calm down, handsome...
ish.
God works in mysterious ways. He sent you here to test me.
Dude, I know how weird this all is.
But now I'm here, I feel like it's only right to warn you that you are in danger.
What... What kind of danger?
That danger! Run!
Come on!
Quick! Get in!
What is he doing?
Oh, great plan, Danny!
How are we supposed to get the wristband from that maniac?
Stop crying. Honestly, you're embarrassing us.
Kate, hi.
- Danny. - I'm really sorry about this morning.
I know it's a lot to explain and you probably wouldn't believe me if I did, but...
...I need to speak to you.
Of course you do.
Danny, this morning was really quite inappropriate.
I'm sorry. I just...
I had to say that I love you.
It feels good, actually,
knowing that if anything happens to me, at least some version of you knows.
Danny, I know that you love me.
You send me a card every week that says, "I love you."
And I am running out of ways to tell you that I am not interested. OK?
I'm sorry that your life hasn't panned out the way you thought it would but...
- You fucking pervert! - Wait.
Is that what you're like, is it?
Breaking into people's houses, watching 'em?
Well, here you are, chief.
Take a look at a real man's dick.
- No, I'm fine. I'd rather not. - Nah. That's what you want, isn't it?
Well, here you are, son.
- This is my dick on a plate, you perv. - I'm... I'm sorry about this morning.
I really am. But I can explain.
Go on, then.
- OK. I can't. - Danny, this has to stop.
You are dull. You're annoying.
Pete's my husband.
- We've never been happier. - Really?
- With Pete? - Watch it.
One day, maybe you'll find a Pete of your own.
Someone to make you whole.
But you are my Pete.
Oh...
I need to go.
I promise I won't bother you again.
- Let's go to bed, arsehole. - Sounds good, fuck-knobbins.
My one true shit-for-brains.
Hey! That is our thing. You stop it!
Hey! You fucking shit-for-brains!
- Shit! - Come here.
I'm gonna stay with you, OK?
Just have to explain why there's two of us.
OK.
Right, I'm gonna go have a chat with Gran.
Try and lay the ground for this whole parallel universe thing.
OK. I get you. Don't be long. Because I'm... I'm scared.
- Did... Did your parents leave, too? - Yeah.
They said they'd come back in a week but they never did.
And when Gran missed that alarm, it was an act of God.
- Or bad alarm clock design. - Thanks to Jesus, she never got on that cruise.
And that's how I found my faith. To thank him for sparing her.
Course you did.
- Mm. - Ooh.
- What's all this? - You've always been so good to me, Gran.
- Always there when I needed you. - And so have you for me.
All we need is each other, Mr Cuddles.
Which is why I'm a bit confused seeing you take up again with little Danny Gates.
Well, he's my friend.
He was, anyway.
Now he's got Paul so who knows any more?
- Anyway, I wanted to... - Since when did you need friends?
All these years, just you and me. Am I not enough for you?
Uh... I don't understand what you're talking about.
Well, who else is there, Mr Cuddles?
Who else does this to you?
Gran, what you doing? Gran?
Come here.
I think I wanna go home now.
No. No. No. No!
Wait, wait. Where you going?
I'm getting the hell out of Chinatown. That woman in there is not my gran.
She tried to stick her tongue down my throat
and she said things to me that are gonna haunt me for ever.
She... She gets confused. She thinks I'm Mr Cuddles.
- That's what she called Granddad. - Since when?
My gran never said anything about Mr Cuddles.
- It's a sex name. - Oh... I think I'm gonna be sick.
- We don't go all the way! - That is not better. Get a grip, man.
You've got to protect me.
- You need to... stand up for yourself. - OK.
- Be a man, Milo. God! - When Mum and Dad left, I didn't have anyone.
- I didn't have any friends. - What about Danny?
We were BFFs for a while but then he started hanging out with Paul.
- Paul! - Now Danny just wants to be like Paul.
So you're lonely. You get in a co-dependent relationship with your only living relative.
Then you find Jesus when she fails to die at sea, and she confuses you for her dead husband.
What I don't get is why. How? How would you let her do that to you?
- It's nice. - Fuck me! What?
- Oh! - We don't go all the way.
Jesus Christ.
Damn parallel universes! When I'm getting home, Milo, I'm changing my provider.
- Who are you trying to get hold of? - My best friend.
I can't do this without him.
Walk upright!
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?
I need my coat. I'm chilly.
- Gran wouldn't want me catching a cold. - You'd rather catch a cold. Trust me.
Come on.
If you want to stay alive, come with me.
Get the beers in.
Well, you'll be happy to know I also want to go home now.
What's up?
In this world, Kate and me never went out.
- Ah. - The Other Me sounds like a total dickhead.
Kate's so happy with Pete.
It was like she was a different woman.
I dunno. I just... I always thought that we were...
I dunno.
Want to know why Other You turned out so differently?
- Go on. - Me and you.
Never friends. Not here. You were best mates with Paul.
You're saying not being friends with you turned me into a selfish, boring arsehole?
Correct. And me into that guy.
- See him? - Wow.
Face it, pal. We were good for each other.
You might say... Feel that. Feel it. Feel it.
- Best man material, that. Ha-ha. - Oh, fuck off. Fuck off!
Oh, my...
Oh, my word!
Oh, bloody he...
Uh... police. I've got a...
Oh, crumbs. My... erm...
My buddy, my main man... My... er...
My hombre... My...
My right-hand pal. He's...
He's dead. He's dead.
Leave them alone!
- What's he doing? - Standing up for himself. I taught him that.
- Oh! I didn't teach him that! - OK. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Yargh! - Oh!
Stairway To Heaven!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Ooh!
- God! - Ha-ha!
Yes! Thank you! Thank you, you shitty local pub for being too cheap to fix your stairs!
- Thank you. - And we've got a wristband.
Maybe this one will work better. When he came in, he was pressing that button.
- He pressed the green one. - Danny.
What? What the flippin' hell's going on, man?
Is this, like, some kind of, like, weirdly convincing gag?
- Fucking Paul. - I just called the police, amigo.
I mean, the rozzers are en route so if you're yanking Paolo's chain,
you should probably let me know! Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, God, help!
Rule No.1. Always check they're actually dead.
- This isn't the Kate from here? - No.
- So, it's like another Kate? - She looks nice in leather.
- Have you seen my Danny? - Which one?
- He's wearing a wristband like this. - Your Danny. Yes. Yes. He got stabbed.
- And then he disappeared. - Is he still alive?
- I don't know. - Thanks for nothing.
Wait. Wait. Can you help us get home?
- You're not my problem. - Please. Just tell us what the hell is going on.
Who is this crazy bastard trying to kill us?
Come on, baby. It's me.
Ohh!
- Ooh. - I'm not your Kate.
There's something you both need to understand.
You're not special. There are millions of other worlds with millions of Other Yous.
We are special. Your Danny told us we were.
- And this guy, he's trying to kill us, so... - The best thing you can do...
is keep your fucking heads down and hope to hell that nobody notices you.
- So rude. - She looked really, really good in leather.
Not to hammer the point home, but your fiancée is kind of a dick.
She is not my Kate. My Kate is at home waiting for us.
So let's just get out of here and get back to our lives.
What you doing? We've got the wristband.
Maybe this guy's got some instructions on him.
Yeah, a guy travelling through alternate universes has the instruction manual on him!
- Good one. - Hey. Hey.
Goldenmire! The You that came to see me, he mentioned Goldenmire.
That has to be important somehow.
The cops! The cops! They're coming! We've got to run for our lives!
Does he realise he's running towards the sirens?
He'd be better off in jail. He can't have sex with my grandmother in jail!
- Don't ask. - Come on. Let's go.
So we can finally leave this nightmare.
Assuming this thing gets us home - cos we have no idea how this thing works.
- Come on. - Are you ready?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
- It's bad? - Yeah.
- I tried putting some ice on it. - Let's get you fixed up.
Did you find the Other Us in time?
I couldn't get to me but I found you.
I told him to look for Goldenmire.
I just hope he listened. He was really off his face.
Oh, so do I. Cos right now, those two... idiots are our last hope.
Ripped By mstoll